Finding Your Happy Place

Everyone always talks about finding your happy place. If you’re having a bad day, think about your happy place. If you’re anxious about an upcoming situation, think about your happy place. Scared of the doctor or an upcoming procedure, think about your happy place.

What if you don’t know what or where your happy place is? I was 31 before I finally realized what my happy place truly was. I knew that there were things that I was supposed to think brought me peace or things that were suggested to me but it wasn’t something I could easily conjure up in my mind. I really had to put some thought into it to imagine what always seemed to be very cliché. I always pictured a meadow in a forest with wildflowers all around and the sun shining through the trees, with birds chirping all around me but this never brought me peace; it didn’t relax me. Sure, it was pretty but there was no impending sense of calm from it.

It wasn’t until I was on a cruise that I found what everyone always told me to think about…my happy place. My happy place is the water. Not just a beach, although that does the trick too, but being out on the open water. It wasn’t until I was in the middle of the ocean and looking out to see no land, no traffic, nothing but water that it hit me…this is my happy place. In that moment of simply seeing nothing did I notice that all my troubles were forgotten, all my stress was lifted, all my worries were gone. In that moment of looking out and being surrounded by nothing, I felt so small and everything seemed even smaller. I realized that for the length of time that I was looking out and seeing nothing, that was exactly what mattered at that time…nothing. It was heaven. So now anytime I am told to think of my happy place, I think of the open waters. If I am stressed or feeling down about something in my life, I think of that feeling I get when I watch the sunset over the horizon with nothing to obstruct my view. When I am in an uncomfortable situation, I think of the weightlessness I feel when I look out at the white capped waves. This is my true happy place. It’s not something that I feel it should be, it simply is.

If you haven’t found your happy place, give it time, you will. More than likely, you won’t find it, it will find you. Don’t think that it’s something that everyone else thinks it should be. Happy places are different for everyone. It could be in the kitchen cooking, entertaining friends and family or it could be hidden away on a deserted island by yourself. Whatever makes you feel 100% utterly at peace is your happy place and don’t think that you have to automatically have one. It’s ok if you don’t find it till you are older, as long as you know peace at some point because when you are able to immediately pull up your happy place, it really is good for the soul.

To Vacation or Not To Vacation?

Don’t you want a nicer car? Don’t you want a bigger house? Shouldn’t you be saving for your retirement? You’re going on ANOTHER vacation? Your kids do how many activities?!

My spouse and I get asked these questions a lot. The not so simple answer is yes…and no. Do I want a nicer car? Who doesn’t?! Do I want a bigger house? Maybe a little bigger, definitely in a better area. Should we be saving for retirement? How do you know we aren’t?

We do a lot of vacations as a family. We try to do one a year. If we aren’t able to do one big vacation a year, we do a bunch of long weekends in a year. In addition to vacations, we do local experiences. We will see some local venues, go to the zoo, go to baseball games, go to museums, etc. Because we do this, some other areas in our life might seem mediocre to outsiders. The truth is that we live within our means. We live comfortably. We don’t live paycheck to paycheck. Who wants to spread themselves that thin and work for only material things?

Our family prefers to be happy with an ok car that gets us from point A to point B. It’s not the best cars. They’ve got rust and dings on them but they runs. Our house may not be large but it fits our family, keeps a roof over our heads and allows us to make memories in it. We manage to save a few bucks for retirement along the way but what is the point to our jobs if all we see are material things?

We choose to have experiences rather than items. We choose to see our country, and others, instead of keeping up with the Joneses. There is plenty of time to save money when the kids are grown and no longer want to spend time with us. Until then, we choose to see the sights and experience different things. Travel makes for well-rounded people and isn’t that what we all want for our children and ourselves? We choose to give our kids these experiences in hopes of when they have their own families, they will do the same with them. We choose to give our kids these experiences because they still talk about things that we did years and years ago. Toys and objects don’t stand the test of time like experiences and memories do. Time with our kids is so fleeting, make the most of it while you can.

I will never tell my kids they can’t do an activity that they want to try. I am blessed to not have to parent alone so we are able to do many things and have our kids in multiple places at once. If I were a single parent, they wouldn’t be able to do so many things. I will never not indulge their curiosity about sports or extra-curricular activities. If they want to try it, they are given the opportunity. Is it expensive? Most of the time. Does the experience outweigh the cost? Every single time! How do we expect them to grow as an individual if we don’t indulge them and allow them every opportunity to try new things? If they don’t like it, they tried but at least they are trying. Parenting is the most selfless thing one can do, so we go without so our kids can have and try everything.

Daddy's girl

“A girls first true love is her daddy”

“The bond between father and daughter is so strong it can never be broken”

“A girl will marry a man exactly like her father”

“A father should be the measuring stick against which all men will be compared”

Daddy quotes have always bothered me. It seems they are old and antiquated. The sayings are based around a family dynamic that doesn’t exist anymore. Not all girls have a “daddy”. Not all girls need a “daddy”.

I grew up without a father and I never felt like I was lacking or missing out on anything. He made it very clear that he didn’t want to be a part of our lives and when he tried many years later to insert himself back into our lives, I made it very clear he had no part in my life. He gave up the right to be a dad to me when he wasn’t at any concerts, softball games, homecoming/prom preparations, hospital visits, tending to me when I had a cold, helping me with homework. You don’t get the privilege of being a father at your convenience, you can’t swoop in after all the hard things are done and only get the good parts of your child’s life.

I grew up with an amazing mother that filled both rolls for me. She didn’t have it easy and I know that. I may not have then, but looking back, she did what she could and I never once wished that my dad was with me. She filled the roll of mom so fully that I didn’t think I was missing out on anything. My mother continues to be an amazing mother and now a grandmother. She made sure that her kids never went without even when it meant that she did. Again, something I didn’t understand growing up but being a mom now and reflecting back as events happen with my kids, I realize how much she sacrificed. I never envied my friends that had their fathers still at home.

To hear a quote about a first love being a dad, does that mean that I don’t know true love? I’m happily married for 14 years so that quote must be flawed. I am so grateful that the man I married is a dad to our children. He is at all events and volunteers with some of the activities that they do. He is there when they need a shoulder, he is there to tend to them when they are sick. I am so glad that none of the quotes apply to my life and that I married the total opposite type of man that my father is. My father was definitely a measuring stick but it was for qualities that I don’t want my husband to possess.

To all the girls with no father figure, don’t waste your time wishing for a man that didn’t want to be a part of all those small important parts of your life. Be grateful for those that wanted to see you in all those moments. Thank all those that wanted to see you at your worst and at your best. Appreciate who you do have rather than obsessing over someone that made a choice to ignore you. Life’s too short for that ugliness, find the beauty and embrace it.

The Carrot and the Stick

There is an old phrase that I am becoming more and more familiar with. That phrase is “carrot and stick” or more modernly known as “carrot OR stick”. The phrase is a metaphor for punishment and reward. The story goes, a guy ties a carrot to the end of a stick and hangs it in front of his donkey to get the animal to move and carry heavy loads. The animal, not very bright, steps forward to retrieve his reward but is unable to reach it. Before he knows it, he is taking steps after his reward but its instead doing what the man desired and carrying his loads for him, only to reach his reward when the task is complete.

This is all well and good, if you get your reward. Too often, companies now utilize the more modern approach to this metaphor and it’s either the carrot OR the stick…and more often than not, it’s the stick. No employee can handle working under the pressure of constant fear of the stick. A carrot must be dangled every now and then and it must also be obtainable in the end.

Stick creates fear, fear creates doubt, doubt create mistakes, and mistakes create former employees.

Carrots give hope. Hope that there are perks to doing their job to the best of their ability.

Carrots can take the form of many different things. They can take shape in what works best for the company or for each individual. There must be more to the carrot than “you get to keep your job”. Jobs are a living, breathing thing. They must be nurtured and cared for as any living thing is. If you beat down your employees enough, they will not bloom. If you nurture and care for your employees, they will flourish.

There can be a harmony with the carrot and the stick. As with anything in life, there are ups and downs, there is good and bad, there are punishments and rewards. The key is to find the balance in the carrot and the stick. Find that balance to keep your workers happy and doing the best job they can. Don’t manage with all stick, LEAD with a mixture of both

Till Death Do Us Part

My youngest son came home from school one day and out of nowhere, and with no lead in asked, "why are you and dad still married?"  I was shocked.  We do everything we can to make our kids comfortable in the house and we put a pin in any arguments while they are around and wait till they are at school or in bed to discuss anything that may give them cause for concern, which in 14 years together I can count on one hand the number of major arguments we have had.  So I asked him "what made you ask this?"  his response was "all my friends have parents that are divorced and I think it's weird that my parents are still together".  I found this so depressing!  I feel for these kids that are growing up in a single parent household, I am from one.  My mom was everything for me and my brother.  Mom, dad, cheerleader, sounding board, teacher, etc.  She was a rock star even though I didn't realize and appreciate it then.  I tried explaining to him that he and his brother don't realize how incredibly lucky they are that they DO have both parents still together and very much in love under the same roof.  That they have mom for cuts and scrapes or dad for guy time and girl questions.  They don't understand that in a society where the divorce rate is 53% that we are in the minority and we put all of ourselves into a good marriage and a good home for them.  We took our vows very seriously and "till death do us part" or "for worse or for better" means something.  We've been through better AND worse and we come out stronger for it.  Most people aren't willing to stick out the rough spots and it creates a lot of broken homes and children that don't know what they are missing by not having both parents all the time.  I am proud to say that we are the few that make it work and strive to make it work every single day.  I know without the shadow of a doubt that I married the love of my life and the man I was supposed to be with forever.  Hopefully as my kids grow they understand the love their dad and I share and will realize that it's what they want from a relationship.  If they take anything from our marriage it should be that their significant other should be cherished and loved above all else (except for their kids).  

So what are some of my secrets for a long and healthy marriage?  
1. Marry your best friend and stay each others best friend.  You should never trust anyone more than your spouse
2. Never go to bed angry.  Bad feelings only fester so make sure it is resolved or at least spoken about before you go to bed.
3. Communicate.  I don't mean a text or e-mail.  I mean sit down for dinner or on the porch and talk for a few minutes about your day.
4. Make her feel special and loved.  Girls that goes the same in reverse.
5. The little things really are what matter.  My husband is not the most romantic guy in the world but he does it in his own way.  Those little things he does for me are far better than big romantic gestures.
6. Most importantly, forget about the past before you were together.  You can't change it and you wouldn't want to.  His or her past is what shaped the person you love and the instances are what brought you together.

God Bless our troops!

This is my first blog but I am going to jump right in.  

I try to instill the utmost respect for our soldiers and what they do for us and our country, into my children. My mom did that with me and I tear up every time I hear my kids say the Pledge of Allegiance or take their hat off during the National Anthem, without having to be told to do so. I know I have done something right. I have been reading lately about Chris Kyle and how he lied about the number of kills or awards he had. Fine, he embellished but the ensuing comments are disgusting. The one that did it for me was "real heroes save lives, not take them". So with that comment in mind I have to say that heroes come in many shapes, sizes, colors, forms, genders, jobs, etc. Some have to take ONE life to save THOUSANDS. That is a sacrifice that I would hope any soldier makes. Just think, if we had been "heroic" and saved Bin Laden, how many more would have died in his quest to bring our country down? That one life taken, heroic. What people don't seem to understand is that these soldiers go into battle even if they don't agree with the cause because they follow orders. That's the job, follow orders. Their superiors tell them to jump and they say "sir, yes sir" no questions asked because that is quite simply their job. They are told where to go, what to do, who to kill or save, and they do it for the betterment of our country and our lives. So my job is to give them my unwavering support because they don't have the luxury of sitting back and judging what a hero is. They don't have the luxury of saying no to an assignment they don't think is right. So while you may not agree with the war or killings, you support our troops 200%. Blame the higher ups handing down the orders but NEVER the troops that are just doing their jobs. There is no bigger hero than a soldier and I thank everything holy that we have men and women brave enough to do that job. That we have families that are willing to support and offer their husbands, wives, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters wanting to do that job, HEROIC. So before you bash a soldier for what they do or don't do, remember they are the brave souls that provide you the freedom you enjoy so much every day. If you don't like how it's provided, don't let the red, white and blue door hit you in the a$$ on your way out of the country!